I could relate my first masturbational fantasy at age 11 and the distracting internal moral arguments I was struggling with. She was my friend and I felt certain if she knew these seemingly mean thoughts I was having about her it would hurt her feelings or upset her. This caused me a great deal of shame and perplexity. But I had an intense recurring fantasy of tying up the little girl next door naked and causing her to fall down in the snow. Now, mind you, I was not yet aware of anatomic details distinguishing boys from girls and of course this was a good six years or so before the dawning of actual sexual feelings. I recall mommy looking vaguely perplexed but they didn't make an issue of it. Foolish enough to show my morning's work to my parents (I should have had the brains to misplace that one) I was in trepidation they would wonder why I was rendering this sweet little innocent in, what I later came to understand was, "bondage" (it would be years until I learned that word).
The outcome of my artistic effort probably looked more like random slash marks. The second technical challenge was that she was drawn in a static pose with hands less than ideally placed, i.e., they were slightly away from her body instead of crossed in front or, better yet, behind her back where wrists ought to be tied. Plus with white background they simply wouldn't show.
There were white crayons but every child knows they are notorious for always being icky with smudges of other colors. I felt of course that ropes should be done in white. I wanted to add strategically placed ropes to make her look tied up.
The starting point pic was the usual simple black lines on white paper - a little girl in a dress. One of my earliest memories, circa age 4, involved the busy work of coloring a picture in Sunday school. I recall no external imprinting stimulus.
In response to your question regarding age of first interest in bondage.Īs best I can tell I was born (I'm a man) with the deeply ingrained orientation of sexually dominant heterosexual.
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